A list of five…

…dysfunctional coping mechanisms. When everything else has failed.

1. Run away. The novelty of a new place will jolt you out of it — for a while, anyway. Better if it’s a very foreign country, with a different language and currency, so that the business of getting basic things done requires all your concentration. Another benefit of running away is that the daily embarrassments, awkward moments, and humiliations of life don’t sting as much when you’re abroad: everyone knows you’re a foreigner and they expect you to do stupid stuff because you don’t know any better. And if something really embarrassing or bad happens, you can always just leave the next morning and never go back and there’ll never be anyone to remind you of it.

2. Think about suicide. Many of Nietzsche’s aphorisms make me go, “What the fuck?” but this one is pretty insightful: “’tis always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night.” When the pain is unbearable, it helps to think that you won’t have to put up with it forever. When evening comes and you don’t have the means or the guts, you can just say, “well, we’ll see how I feel when I wake up in the morning.” If the pain is still there, set another appointment and when that time comes, say, “I can stand this for just another 24 hours.” Continue in this manner until the feeling lifts.

3. Trawl for sex on line. Fun fact: when people want sex from you, they’ll be really nice to you. They may, if you’re lucky, compliment you for things you can actually take credit for! And even if what they say is mostly insincere, it’s better than being utterly ignored by the world.

4. Knock yourself out. I was given a few pills ages ago that were supposed to help me kick jet lag (though it probably wasn’t really jet lag, because jet lag does not usually last for three weeks). They’re not actually sedatives, but rather, antidepressants with sedative properties. I don’t know how anyone takes this stuff on a daily basis and remains functional, because the ones I have are the lowest possible dosage and when I crush one and ingest a crumb that’s about one-quarter of the tablet it knocks me flat within ten minutes, and I’m out for twelve to fourteen hours. When I wake up I’m so groggy I can’t think straight about anything. Usually after several days of over-sleeping the feeling lifts enough for me to rejoin society.

5. Television. You’ve watched all six seasons of Show X? Start watching them all over again, from the beginning.